I’m an avid commentator. I don’t really subscribe to a blog unless I comment on it.

There are many kinds of commentators. Some are found everywhere. Others are rare. I have observed them for years, and have summarized my learnings below:

Narcissistic bastard - Bastard is just the beginning. This person doesn’t care what you posted about. The only point was to vaguely connect their website to the subject matter of the original post. Usually talks a lot, and spews out marketing rhetoric, tries to impress with some big numbers, and then suggest you ‘check us out at xxxxxxxxxxxxx.’ The worst offender I have seen is Mr. Kevin L of MerchantCircle. I was tracking about a dozen different posts when InsiderPages was acquired, read about another 20, and almost every single one had a comment by Kevin L. You can see his work here, here, here, here, and so forth. It consisted of him saying how no one cares about the business-owners (marketing rhetoric), mentions 90k merchants ’signed up’ (trying to impress us with big numbers), then suggests you check out their site. You can read my linked post about some truth behind their numbers.

Scrambled brains - marked by lots and lots of text. Hitting ‘Enter’ twice to create paragraphs is the equivalent of kryptonite to such a commentator. Often comments about stuff that has nothing to do with the original post. ‘In my opinion …’ is a favorite phrase.

Link Whore - consists of few words + link to their site. The super-strain (just like a virus) goes for glory, usually throwing in two to four links. Commonly found at TechCrunch.

Trackback Machine - never actually bothers to comment. Uses the trackback like a shotgun. Gibberish is the most comfortable writing style for such a person.

The Blog Owner who replies by editing a comment - Extremely rare, I have seen one blogger that does this in the wild. Observe this post where both of my comments were edited with an ‘—-Answer—-’. I can only guess that the blog poster was as annoyed as I was by TypePad’s retarded captcha.

The Cheerleader - 99% of comments involve ‘great post’ or a synonymous statement. Common variants are ‘nice work’, ‘well written’, ‘thoughtful post’. The exclamation mark is this person’s best friend. The more, the merrier.

The Troll - marked by jealousy, posts anything contrarian to the original blogger. Revels in pointing out mistakes. Cries and dies a little bit inside when his contrarian viewpoint turns out to be wrong.

The Blowhard Fanatic - Posts a comment no matter what. Desperate plea for attention. The post could consist of ‘I have nothing to say’ and still the fanatic would still comment. This type of person is usually a 2-in-1, combining both Cheerleader and Blowhard styles into one.

The Prepubescent - can be spotted due to lack of punctuation/grammar, and/or excessive use of ! and/or ? Other common words used include ‘ur’ and ‘kewl’. Run-ons are a dead give-away. Actual pre-pubescence is optional. Commonly found congregated at celebrity/fashion blogs.

Mr. Two Cents - every comment refers to the addition of his ‘two cents’. Often times uses the phrase “… to add my own .02 cents” not realizing that he actually said $0.0002.

Intelligent - A dying breed, the Intelligent commentator is though provoking and gracious. I would cite myself as an example, but that should be obvious

These are not single entities - they often mix and match. A Cheerleader mixed with a Blowhard is a common occurence. More rare (but far more interesting) is the combination of a Cheerleader, a Blowhard, and a Troll. In such a situation, the person not only loves the blogger and cheers the blogger on, but also tries to prove his own merit by trying to point out the teeniest mistakes the blogger made. The solution: ban the nutcase.

Any I miss?